VERBAL
COMPONENTS OF SOCIAL SKILLS
The
verbal contents of what you are saying determines the objective, what
we propose when we are speaking to others, from holding a conversation
on a topic, to making a request. Some of the objectives which we propose
when we speak are:
Starting and maintaining a conversation
Speaking in public
Showing love, pleasure, affection
Defending our own rights
Asking favours
Rejecting requests
Making and accepting compliments
Expressing personal opinions, although they do not agree with the
initial speaker
Showing you are annoyed, displeased or angry
Saying sorry
Admitting your ignorance
Asking other people to change their behaviour
Confronting criticism
So
that you are efficient when you speak you should take into account the
following aspects:
1.
Time you have to speak
2.
Feedback
3.
Using questions
The time every speaker has to speak should be the same. Studies show
that people that speak more than 80% of the time are not valued very
well, as they are considered egocentric.
During
a conversation feedback is fundamental. We should show other people
that we are listening to them by reacting to what they say, what feelings
are provoked? (interest, happiness, sadness, etc). Feedback should be
regular and intermittent, never constant. Showing too much attention
wil cause interruptions, without a doubt, and also it is usually interpreted
as a sign, that in reality, the person wants us to stop speaking. It
is also important to remember that the feedback that we give others
should not concentrate on the negative aspects. We can show attention
to what they say in different ways:
Maintaining eye contact for more than 50% of the time
Nodding your head
Using expressions like "yes", "of course", "I
see".
Paraphrasing the speaking: "So, what happened to you was...."
Repeating some of the speaker's words
Indicating the emotion that the speaker has produced in us in what
he is telling us.
Asking questions about what they are talking to us about (How did
you feel when your colleague left you?"
It is convenient to use questions, as they are a fundamental
tool to:
Maintain a conversation: questions are a way to invite other
people to continue speaking. If one of our friends tells us about
his weekend, we can make the conversation longer by asking him questions
about certain aspects of it: What did you eat in the restaurant? Was
there a lot of traffic? What did you think of the film? Without a
doubt, some of these questions will give way to new opportunities
to continue the conversation.
Obtain information : know more information about what the
speaker is talking about, so you can make the conversation longer,
this is also convenient when the conversation needs to solve a problem.
Provide feedback
Influence other people's behaviour : questions can help us
to get people to reflect about the result of their actions and get
them to suggest a change. Some examples of these types of questions
are, "how do you think I feel with the way you have behaved?"
or "Do you think we could find a solution to this problem?".
There
are two fundamental types of questions:
Open:
open questions are those that require more than a mono syllable answer
or a short sentence. An example of an open questions is "What
happened at the party?" or "Tell me about your holiday".
This type of question invite the speaker to speak for a length of
time.
Closed
: closed questions are answered with a mono syllable or a maximum
of two or three words; for example "Where have you parked?"
or "Have you had a good time?". You can see that they do
facilitate a long conversation.