Lesson 27

 

 

   

 

AGGRESSIVE STYLE

Non verbal behaviour when answering people, is characterized by:

•  Looking someone straight into the eyes for an excessive amount of time.

•  An elevated tone of voice

•  Speaking quickly

•  Threatening gestures, cold gestures or showing superiority (arms crossed, arms akimbo, hands on hips, head back...)

Verbal behaviour usually contains expressions such as:

•  “You would do it better in..”, “Do it”, “Be careful”, “You haven't got a clue”, “You must be joking”…

As with restrained behaviour, agressive behaviour also has some benefits in the short term; firstly, behaving in an agressive way supposes an expression and emotional liberation, which is quite re-inforcing. Besides, the person can feel momentary power, as it is probable that the rest feel intimidated when faced with agressive behaviour. But, perhaps the greatest reward is to achieve the proposed objectives. Think about the following situation:

“At a free concert celebrated in the main town square, those attending quickly try to grab a seat as it is clear that there are not enough seats for everyone. One of the ladies attending reserves a seat for her friend, who is still a few metres away. Along comes another person who sits directly on the chair which this lady has reserved. Instead of asking the person to leave the lady shouts: "Oh my! I can't believe it! I was here first! I'm not leaving my chair, it's not my problem!" This person has behaved agressively and it is possible that this person remains seated in the chair because everybody gets embarassed at being the centre of attention".

It is true to say that, in general, people that maintain agressive behaviour for a prolonged period of time suffer the following negative consequences:

•  They feel resent, distrust and anxiety towards people around them.

•  Usually family members, friends and work colleagues try and avoid people with agressive behaviour in certain situations.

•  Tension appears in interpersonal relationships therefore causing distant and unsatisfactory relationships.

•  Feeling the blame after being conscious that you have overwhelmed everyone.

•  Low self esteem.

•  Feeling lonely

•  In the long term, you stop reaching targets, due to your poor social relationships.

•  You find people challenge you; others opt to also respond in a negative way. This can cause a "surge of violence".

To exemplify the disadvantages of aggressive behaviour, let's analyze the following situation:

Carlos and Luis are two friends that have met up to have dinner in a restaurant. Carlos arrives late, and Luis has to wait half an hour for him to turn up.

•  CARLOS: I'm sorry, it's just that...

•  LUIS: (Shouting) It's incredible. You're late again. I'm not going to want to meet up with you again!

•  CARLOS: Hey, I'm sorry, let me tell you what happened

•  LUIS: I don't need you to tell me; you should have called me before and told me what had happened.

•  CARLOS: No, I didn't call you, it's true; but...

•  LUIS: (Shouting again) No, you don't have an excuse! I have got lots of things to do, a lot more important than what you have got to do, you are on holiday after all.

•  CARLOS: Hey, don't exaggerate.

•  LUIS: I'm not exaggerating, you've gone too far. Don't think about doing it again.

•  CARLOS: I'm off. I'm not having dinner with you. I think you are really bitter. When you calm down, call me. Goodbye.

It's clear that Luis has suffered because of Carlos's behaviour; he has wasted his time and he has been alone in a public place, which can sometimes be very uncomfortable. But, he didn't give his friend the chance to explain what had happened, to know the motives why Carlos had arrived late. Besides, he claimed his needs were more important than Carlos's, saying that his time is more important, as Carlos is on holiday. In the short term, Luis is going to have dinner alone and in the future, if he wants to maintian his friendship with Carlos he will have to make an effort to make it happen.