ASSERTIVE
STYLE
We
can use assertive behaviour when we have a clear objective, knowing
what we want to communicate before we start talking: expressing a specific
complaint, asking for someone to change their behaviour, compliment
someone... Many of us can remember situations in which we have started
conversations to achieve something, but without having clear exactly
what we are going to say.
Assertiveness
is also favoured by emotional control, which can be used to find the
right moment to start a conversation.
Assertive
behaviour is characterized by the following non
verbal components:
•
Direct eye contact, although not threatening: the way you look should
vary, you shouldn't always be looking into the other person's eyes.
•
The tone of voice should be at a conversational level, or louder to
be able to be heard if the situation requires it, but in general you
need to use a varied tone, without showing anxiety.
•
Hands released, and move them according to the contence. Not too many
gestures, as too many can give the sensation that you are nervous
or even angry. It is important to remember that there are many cultural
differences that refer to the hands.
•
Straight body posture
•
Facial expression which reflects the message, but avoiding a tense
expression.
• The
correct amount of interpersonal distance for the situation. For example,
if we are criticizing a work colleague, getting too close to them
can be interpreted as a form of agression.
Verbal
behaviour which
shows an assertive style is characterized by:
•
Using messages in first person
•
Providing clear information about what you are trying to express,
what you need, desire, feel...
•
Persisting in the need however many times it is necessary.
•
Not giving excuses: assume what has been said.
•
Using positive, non destructive expressions (insults, threats, attacks,
etc). The positive contents are those that reflect that you understand
the other person, although they don't agree, or that you are trying
to reach an agreement in the best way possible.
•
Some things that give an assertive message are: "I think..",
"I feel..", "I want...", "What solution can
we find for this?" "What do you think?", "I understand
what you are trying to tell me".
I
have already mentioned that assertive behaviour is usually the type
of behaviour which has more benefits and less personal and relationship
costs:
•
We improve the control of people around us.
•
We usually solve our problems, increasing the positive consequences
and decreasing the negative.
•
We feel better with ourselves for having expressed our opinion bearing
in mind other people's feelings.
•
Feeling of satisfaction.
•
Others accept us better, social relationships are more satisfactory.
