Lesson 7

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

¿WHY DON'T WE ALWAYS BEHAVE IN A SOCIALLY COMPETENT WAY?

In the previous lesson I mentioned how social skills are learned through various learning mechanisms, which we learn from an early age. It is logical to think, therefore, that if someone has difficulties in relating to others then it is due to the fact that their learning has not been the most adequate. However, there can be different reasons why people suffer from socially competence difficulties:

We don't know how to solve a certain situation in a satisfactory way because we haven't learned how to. For example, a person can not defend his/her own rights or opinions in a work meeting because they have never done it before, maybe there haven't received indications on how to do it, or maybe they have never seen anyone do it before.

•  We have in our own behavioural repertoir one or a few social skills, but we don't know when to use them so that the other person is receptive:

The difficulties in social relationships lie in moments when you don't know how to look for the best moment. We think, for example, in the expression of feelings; if we don't do it in the best moment, others can feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. You are better off making a criticism about a work colleague or a partner, when that person is receptive (relaxed, in a good mood...) Sometimes we make a mistake by fault: others send us signals saying they want to talk to us (a look, they ask us questions, etc) but we don't interpret them as wanting to talk to us.

•  We think certain social situations are nerve-racking and this stops us from thinking and acting how we would like. In social relationships anxiety is a problem for many people; anxiety usually depends on the location, that's to say, generally some situations make us more nervous than others. For many people they are more nervous when they have to talk to a work superior, even though they don't have any problem talking to their friends. Learn to relax, this is the best way to tackle these kind of social difficulties.

•  We are not motivated to behave any other way, because interpersonal relationships are not reinforcing. Generally this is not correct; except in exceptions, close to psychopathology, people always want to maintain one or various links. A lack of motivation is usually selective, if we think about youths that have real problems with their families; it's possible that with their friends they try to communicate fluidy, although it is with their own codes and style.

•  We have a system of incorrect beliefs about our social competence and/or about our rights: some examples of incorrect ideas that are usually related to relationship difficulties are:

•  “I am not worthy of asking for favours"

•  “The bosses never pay me any attention"

•  “People don't often get on with me. It's not worth trying to get to know new people in a party".

•  “I shouldn't make mistakes, that way I don't have to apologize".

•  “It's absurd that you feel this way"

•  “People don't change; everyone has his/her own way of saying things".