Ways
to improve a family’s self-esteem
a) Availability
Dedicate
time (which is what we don’t always have) to attend to your
children, wife or husband. With teenagers, for example, you can’t
say, “we’ll talk about this calmly on Saturday”,
as Saturday will be too late. By Saturday, your 13 year old daughter
will already have got drunk with a friend and will be awaiting the
consequences of her actions – all because her father was unavailable
to talk to her. You need to be available, because there are problems
which can only be sorted out in a determined moment when someone
wants to put their point across and be listened to. Remember that
when our parents die, they leave us with memories of the times that
they spent with us.
b) Communication
between parents-children. Parents should speak less and listen more.
In many
families, when the mother or father say, “son, we have to
talk”, the child thinks, “oh no, what have I done?”
Why? Because the child knows that when his mother or father says
“we have to talk” they really mean “we are going
to have an argument about something that you have done and I don’t
approve of”. This would change if the parents aimed to: dedicate
75% of the time to listening and only 25% to speaking. Listening
to your children (or spouse or anyone) is an active effort. You
have to miss the news, lower the TV volume, turn your head to look
at the person speaking, look them in the eyes, and show that you
are listening. This is active listening, which is what helps to
improve your family’s self-esteem.
c) Consistency
from the parents and self demand in your children
You are
coherent when what you think, feel, say and do is one and the same
thing. It doesn’t make sense to order the children to “help
mum to clear up the table” when you are sitting on the sofa.
You need to first give the example. You have to clear the table
for 5 days, so that your children see you. The fifth day you tell
your children: “let’s do it together”. Two days
later: “I’m proud of you, now you have learned you can
clear the table on your own”. They will then feel proud of
clearing the table. This way, they learn to demand from themselves,
which is a lot better than watching over them 24 hours a day. We
also ask the children to study but, do they see us studying, reading
magazines about our trade, finding out about our speciality? We
need to be able to say: “look children, we also study?”
d) Have
initiative, worries and be in a good mood, especially with your spouse
These
three factors are useful for the family’s self-esteem. In
Spain, people are generally in a good mood. However, routine is
an enemy in a relationship between husband and wife and with their
children. The key is to ensure creativity and initiative in a couple’s
life and this will, in turn, spread to the whole family. The best
hours should be the time you spend with your husband or wife. Becoming
a father or mother should not make us forget that we are “you
and I, us”. Creativity and initiative protect the couple from
routine. When there’s routine, it is easy for one of the members
in the relationship to look for “magic” outside of the
relationship, in other relationships. On the contrary, if the couple
is happy, the children learn “sentimental education”
simply seeing how mum and dad treat each other, seeing how they
admire each other, flatter each other and praise each other. They
are accomplices. A typical thought of an enthusiastic child is,
“when I’m older I will treat my wife like dad treat
mum”. This gives them self-esteem.
e) Accept
our limitations
You need
to know and accept your limitations, those of your partner, and
those of your children. It is very important not to criticize your
partner in front of the family, not criticize your son in front
of his brothers or sisters, comparing them to the “good”
and the “bad”. This makes the child suffer and takes
away some of his self-esteem. It is best to talk to each child on
his own.
f) Recognize
and re-confirm a person’s values
Be sincere:
it doesn’t make sense to call our child a “champion”
if he has never won anything. If he has lost a football match, don’t
call him a champion. He has to lean how to tolerate frustration
which goes with loosing. We also need to know, adults and children
that we are good at certain things and bad at others. “Son
you are good at A and B but I don’t think C is your forte”.
Doing this, we reconfirm what he is good at and he will see himself
as he is a valuable person.
g) Stimulate
your personal autonomy
A person
becomes a good person by doing good things. It is important that
children understand this. Therefore, it is important to: do good
things as they make us good. This concept helps us to have personal
autonomy, do things for ourselves to improve ourselves.
h) Design
a personal project
You won’t
go very far if you don’t know where you want to go. Staying
still is not an option, as one tends to go backwards. You need to
have a personal project in order to grow, and attend and help to
distinguish and promote your projects.
i) Have
a high level of aspiration, but be realistic.
We need
to play with what is possible and what is desirable. If we aspire
something people will value us, we will have self-esteem, but is
it practicable? We should consider a high level of aspiration with
the reality of our capacities and resources.
j) Choose
good friends
Individualism
is the cancer of the XXI century. We and our kids are tied to machines:
the DVD, TV, video console, Internet….As we work alone so
our true friendships decrease. Friends compromise a great deal and
an individualist doesn’t like compromise!
However,
we need human friends, good friends more than ever. People we can
spend lots of hours with, people we can have sincere and close conversations
with, true friends that support us. We need friends that really
know us, that accept our errors and promote our positive features.
Selecting friends is a good investment.
A family
that tries to follow these principles contributes to improving their
children’s self-esteem and their own self-esteem. There are
3 main ideas to consider:
According
to Chesterton, we need to understand that self-esteem, love, being
loved is supernatural. Have you thought about how God loves you?
Think about it. You are very special for him. When you experience
this love, tell your children about it.
A
good portion of useless suffering is produced because sometimes
when we should be trying to think, we start feeling; and on occasions
instead of feeling, we start to think. We can avoid this useless
suffering: there are moments to think and moments to feel.
If
you fight, you can loose, but if you don’t fight you have
already lost. If you fight for your family life, you aren’t
lost.
