CHANGING
ERRONEOUS BEHAVIOUR
The
thoughts that automatically come to us when we are confronted with a
determined situation all depend on our frame of mind and emotional state,
and therefore come from our exterior behaviour.
There are thoughts that "help" us to feel better and feel more
confident about ourselves. We refer to these thoughts as external
behaviour, which we can change by practising new ways of doing things,
we can work on controlling the thought and make it become an ally.
If
we have a shop, for example, and we realize that the number of clients
that we sell to on credit is quite extense, we should practice ways
of not offering this service. This job will be more fruitful
if we learn a new way of thinking; if we start to believe "I am
in my right to demand a payment, as I am giving a service", "I
am not going to loose clients for not offering a credit service",
"I'm sorry if they get angry, but I am doing the right thing",
etc.
Thoughts
are dialogues with ourselves. They can be based on facts and our objectives,
therefore they are called rational thoughts or they can lack any real
elements, thus becoming irrational thoughts.
People
usually share thought errors. These errors help us interpret situations
in the right way.
The
most frequent thought errors are:
•
Dichotomic thoughts: you see things
as everything or nothing.
“Nobody
can talk to my boss; he is always angry".
•
Overgeneralizing : a negative thing
that happens in a determined moment, will always happen.
“I'll
ruin everything again the next time I speak to him".
•
Labelling: we don't describe our competition,
but we add an adjective which we apply to our behaviour.
“I
am weak, all of my work colleagues take advantage of me".
•
Selective abstraction: we only focus
on the bad things that happen to us.
“My
wife felt really bad when I told her that I have to work the whole
weekend" (ignoring the fact that she said that she understands
and that she will take advantage of the time and visit her sister).
•
Guessing a thought: we make our own
conclusions about what others think without having any evidence.
“It's
evident that Luisa gets bored when she talks to me".
•
Magnifying and minimalizing: we exagerate
the negative things and we take importance away from the positive
things.
“The
guys that I met at the party laughed at my jokes, but I'm sure they
do the same with everyone".
•
Personalization : everything has to
do with that person, especially the bad things, that person blames
themselves for many things.
“The
meeting went really badly, I am a bad group co-ordinator".
•
Thoughts which involve "should"
: we give instructions to ourselves with situations which we are obliged
to do.
“I
should be more friendly", "I should know who to speak
to my boss without feeling anxious" "I should get on better
with people", "I should ask less favours"...
Stages
which get you to substitute your irrational thoughts for those more
realistic and less hurtful are:
• Identify
social situations which make you feel bad and in which you don't act
like you would like to (interactions with the opposite sex, with someone
superior, with teachers, with parents...)
•
Recognize the irrational thoughts which upset you in such situations.
It is convenitent to write them down in a list.
•
Identify the emotion that invades you in such situations and which
accompany your thoughts.
•
Debate the validity and utility of those thoughts. For this debate
we can use the following questions:
Do I
have proof about what I am thinking?
Is
the thought based on a fact, or is it an opinion, an inference or
a supposition?
Does
this thought help me to achieve my objectives?
Does
it help me to solve my problems?
What
influence does this thought have on my feelings and on my behaviour?
Even
if what I am thinking is true, is it so negative? Is it as bad as
it seems?
Why
am I so upset, if I can not change this fact?
•
Propose alternative thoughts
The following
table can be used to help you carry out the previous steps
The
examples that are provided in the table are merely there for guidance;
you need to try and look for alternative thoughts, generated by yourself,
using the two following criterias:
•
Emotions that reduce the negative emotion
•
Make sure they are more useful when it is time to say something, make
sure they are compatible with the most assertive behaviour.
FIND
OUT MORE
•
What does this gesture mean? Paul Ekman. 2003, Editorial Integral.
•
Social Skills. Rafael Ballester. 2002, Editorial Síntesis.
•
Manual of evaluation and social skills training. Vicente Caballo, 1993.
Editorial Siglo Veintiuno de España Editores, S. A.
•
Body Language. Allan Pease. 1993
